When you’re an artist, you can’t really tell when inspiration will strike or what shape it will take. It might happen over dinner or on your way to work, when that genius idea of yours for a shoe with a mini fridge built into it emerges in your head. And really, who says there’s something wrong with devising the cure for cancer while strangling a prostitute pregnant with your illegitimate spawn? You just don’t know the time or the place!
There are exceptions to that, of course. Right now there are “artists” out there whom we can pretty confidently say are taking direction straight from Satan himself. So, put on your best flame retardant clothes, splash some Holy Water on the walls and start humming your favorite hymn because we are counting-down the 7 creepiest pieces of furniture clearly designed by the Devil on super acid.
The Woolly Chair
Designed by Jason Miller, the Woolly Chair raises a lot of interesting question about the nature of artistic versus practical design. We’d also like to know just how many human skulls Miller has buried in his basement next to the furnace. But the one we’re more interested in at this time is… what the hell is that furry cover made from and how can we kill it in the most painful way possible?
For the sake of our collective sanity we refuse to believe the above abomination is a product of a conscious human mind. Instead, we chose to believe the much more pleasant explanation that whatever that is, it came to us from some remote corner of the Moon, lured to Earth with promises of virgin sacrifices. Once here, it was then hit over the head by Miller, skinned and turned into a chair. A chair that now just sits there… looking at you…
Oh God, it can see your soul, we just know it can…
Frog Humping Table
It might be just me, but there is something inherently wrong with animal motives on wooden furniture, especially in this case. Just try to consider what exact thought process (or mental defect) would result in someone standing up and meticulously producing a giant half silver frog-humping-the-table table. Not to mention the terrifying pedophilic expression on its face. Look at it, this is the face that is basically saying “No use fighting it kid, this thing is going down whether you like it or not. And by ‘it’, I mean the forceful sexual intercourse between us. I am going to be inside you, is what I am saying.”
Imagine sitting down to breakfast or dinner each night with this thing. Now stop shivering, it’s OK, it was just a hypothetical question. Still, no doubt that this table would be a wonderful conversation starter: “What an amazing coincidence, I TOO am a dangerously unbalanced weirdo! Let’s go set puppy dogs on fire!”
Daddy Long Legs
Designed by Straight Line Inc., the Daddy Long Legs drawers are what you would expect from a “Nightmare Before Christmas” remake directed by a more spaced-out Burton with a constant LSD drip attached to his spinal column. There is something eerie about this particular furniture that we just can’t seem to figure out. It might be due to the fact it’s inspired and named after a f***ing spider, known to the world for their cuddliness and general pleasant appearance. Only not and not and seriously, screw whoever came up with this evil thing. It will haunt our nightmares. And yes, we do hate spiders, how did you know?
By the way, if your first reaction after seeing the Daddy Long Legs was to set it on fire out of fear it will come to life at night and devour your eyes, then congratulations, you still have a soul.
You know what most modern houses lack? Cows. Not like the good old days when the livestock shared not only your saloon but also your kitchen or toilet (and probably the bed in those weirdo-families, you know the ones we mean, the ones where all three were one room). And now, Helga’s Sanctuary is here to help you bring the past alive… in furniture form! The pun mistress Helga runs a cow sanctuary and designs these big floor pillows which you can get in 3-8 foot sizes for the relatively meaningless price of $300 to $800 (because these beauties are virtually priceless).
But don’t worry, she won’t spend any of it on booze, drugs or needy children. No, the profits all go to the real cows in Helga’s Sanctuary, so it’s a very just cause indeed, you see. Now, 800 bucks might SEEM a bit steep to enable some crazy cow ladies bovine fetish… and it probably is. Seriously, donate that money to the Red Cross or something, you horrible person.